Make our weekend more colorful and funny by posting these
cute weekend quotes on your Instagram bios. I'm constantly amazed at the things
I learn through social media. Today I learned through Instagram that there's a
group of people who spend an absurd amount of money of jeans they call
"raw denim" and then wear them every day for 6 months + without
washing them so that they'll start to fade and stain in such a way as to become
completely unique to the wearer. That's weird and gross.
Funny Weekend quotes for bios!
I assumed campus libraries were meant for studying and
becoming an expert on one's major. Not a home base for arguments over who got
more likes on instagram.
My Instagram is like cursed... Every time I go up to 83
followers, someone un-follows me!
Facebook is like a map of your life. You can both look back
and say there I was complaining and talking or you can look back and say there
I was kicking major ASS again!
One of my favorite things about Facebook is watching my
friends announce their pregnancies... getting to watch the baby as it develops
the witness the first day of outside life and the progression thereof.
All you can do is call it out when you hear it because if
you don’t you may walk away feeling like it’s your fault.
True love is when you are trying to hold in a fart, but as
you walk across the living room, you sound like someone playing "Dueling
Banjos" on a Flugelhorn, and you both laugh.
There's nothing like a good old fashioned husband and wife
water fight after the baby goes to bed.
I don't care how rich you are, what color, or how old. If
you spend $38,000 for a purse, you are an idiot.
Dear Local Business People: When you make your own TV
commercials, please don't try being funny or cute. It is way harder than you think.
Thank you.
That happy time when all the loud people get up and leave!
A study in England
suggests that comedians and actors have psychotic personalities. Umm, thank
you, Institute for the Study of the Obvious.
There are now 7 billion people in the world... Could
everyone inhale for a sec so I can turn around? Thanks.
What if holding office requires a monthly lie detector test?
Some people see the glass half full, others see it half
empty. I just think you need a smaller glass.
Anger can help you succeed academically. Sitting at your
desk with tears of frustration because of a take-home math exam is actually a
lot manlier than you'd think.
That awkward moment when the room is full of people, but one
person is making 80 percent of the noise.
Someone must have shook the trees, because there are nuts
everywhere!
No one will buy the cow if they are getting the eggs for
free.
I love living in a town small enough that lost dogs get
posted on the Police Dept Facebook page!
The rumors of my birthday are true, but I'm happy to report
I'm still not gonna grow up, and you can't make me!
Amazon wants to know what 5 books I'd take to Desert
Island
1. Boat Building
2. 1,001 Fish Recipes that don't taste like Fish
3. Make a Home Still From Coconut Shells and Bamboo
4. Games for your Hermit Crab
5. Pickup Lines for Imaginary Women
I think that if I was ever nominated for an award, any
award, I'd prepare a short acceptance speech, just in case. It is sadly ironic
when people that make their living as performers, stand on stage and pick at
their seats for 3 minutes while trying to remember the names of their co-stars
and directors. Ty Burrell is being the notable and professional exception. That
man is so subtly funny he is on his next line before you even realize how funny
the last thing he said was.
I like mean professors. I respect them. The meaner and more
eccentric the better, to an extent, because often it is the sign of an educator
who cares about his/her students' progress and one who is more likely to grade
assignments in a timely manner.
That awkward moment when you’re on instagram and see a profile
with your picture on it!
If I like all of your old pictures on Instagram you should
be worried because I have a weird uncontrollable obsession for stalking people.
That awkward moment when children younger than you have an
interesting love life! It's so sad but I officially have a non existent love
life.... oh well. I have my food!
I am a supremely unhappy person, but I love that about myself.
It is better, to my mind, to suffer in academia and die of a heart attack at
50, than to enter the work force and have my intellectual vigor gradually, but
surely eroded.
Sometimes on the Facebook I attacked by a group, it is both
moral and legal to kill one or more. It just may not be strategically wise -
unless you are able to kill several of them.
The nice thing about the cold steel honeycomb is that it
only has a point, so you're less likely to accidentally injure yourself if
you're not experienced.
Always stand up for what is right, even when you must stand
alone. Or in this case, with six stodgy old professors!
Sarcasm and sneakiness are the dead husks of wit and
learning.
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